Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Biggest Blessing

I've sat down to write this post a few times now but each time I do, my hands start shaking, my heart rate rises, and my mind starts to wander.  It still doesn't feel real.  I keep thinking that maybe if I write it down it will sink in.

Since the day Avery was born I knew I wanted to stay home with her.  The thought of leaving her with someone else, and a stranger no less, was heartbreaking.  My maternity leave passed quickly and I was headed back to work before she had even started sleeping through the night.  Those first few months were some of the toughest I’ve ever experienced.  I would sit in the bathroom crying, praying, and hoping that somehow, someday I could stay home. 

Fast forward two years to when Asher was born and it was even harder the second time around.  

This was not where I was supposed to be.  Every hour-long commute that I spent sitting in my car, wishing I was cuddling my baby or reading to Avery, broke my heart.  Matt even asked me to see a psychologist because he was scared I was depressed.  He was right. I wasn't myself.   Thankfully the doctor didn't feel that I was clinically depressed, but that it was a situational issue.  We started talking about how we could make it work on one income.  We knew it wouldn't be easy but we decided I should keep working until the beginning of 2013 and we would reevaluate our finances and see if we could make it work. 

Two weeks ago we received one of the biggest blessings ever and yesterday I walked into my boss’s office, closed the door, sat down and told her I was giving my notice. 

I am officially leaving my corporate job for the most fulfilling, difficult, exhausting, wonderful job I could ever ask for.  And I have never been more overwhelmed with joy and gratitude. 

Of course I’m under no illusion that it will be all fun and games. I know being a stay at home mom is a hard job.  But they are only little once.  These precious years, they go by so fast and I've been missing them.  I've been missing morning snuggles, trips to the park and the library, the dirty diapers, the snotty noses.  I've been missing all of it. 

Three weeks left.  13 days.  I still can’t believe it.  God is good. Always.  This plan he has for us.  It is perfect.  It certainly wasn't the plan I had but His was better. 

I've had this little note hanging from my monitor since I came back from maternity leave.  It has served as such a great reminder to be thankful in all situations.  To not worry about things we can’t change.  To trust in Him and His perfect plan. 

“He has made everything beautiful in its time” Ecclesiastes 3:11

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