Oh, the tough days. They are rare. Few and far between but when they hit, they come on strong. The days when I look at the clock and see it is only 8:30 and wonder how we're going to make it till bedtime. Honestly, I think we've only had two days like this since I started staying home. One was a few weeks in and today was the second.
A lot of it is due to bad timing. I'm fighting a cold and Asher is teething, possibly fighting the same cold, and exhausted from a weekend of fun and minimal naps. The sad thing is, when he is happy, he is the happiest, funniest 15-month-old you've ever met. But when things get out of whack... he doesn't handle it well. And it's hard on all of us. Poor Avery runs to another room, almost in tears, telling me "mommy, he's hurting my ears, make him stop crying." I feel equally bad for both of them. She's left to fend for herself while I spend the day trying to soothe him. I know it's just a phase and it will pass soon but today I felt so hopeless as a parent. It's amazing the contradiction of emotions you can feel as a parent. The unconditional love is something fierce. Something that you really aren't prepared for until you see your child for the first time. But some days are just long and test your patience more than you imagined possible. And sadly, sometimes you fail. Today, I failed. I was short-tempered and frustrated and didn't show him the compassion he deserved.
But we go on, and thankfully he is quick to forgive me of my shortcomings. His sly smile and big hugs melt my heart in a way I never knew possible. He's my little guy and we will always make it through the hard days. I know as he gets older these days will become less and less. But so will his hugs and cuddles.
So, after the hardest day I've had in quite a while, I rocked my baby to sleep and savored every sweet moment of his cuddles. He gave me the sweetest little half-smile as he lost the battle to keep his heavy lids open and drifted off to sleep. That short moment more than made up for the screaming. Tonight, as I say my prayers I will certainly ask God for more grace then I hand out, and for wisdom to handle the tough days. To be the best mother to each of my children and the best wife to my husband. Because days like this only confirm my beliefs that I can't do this on my own. That I need a merciful and compassionate God who is full of forgiveness and grace. To shower his mercy on me and help me grow into the parent and wife my family needs.